Kenley is 5.

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Today I was thinking about all the things I didn’t get to do this year. I didn’t get to take my 10 year wedding anniversary trip to Mexico in May. I didn’t get to go on a summer vacation with my family, or anything fun like that. We were responsible and did what we were supposed to…just like always.

We are ALWAYS responsible. We have always been those people.

So why did our baby die? Why did our baby have to be the statistic? I went to all my appointments. I did everything I was supposed to. I ate the right food. I slept on the right side. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I didn’t eat deli meat, or soft cheese.

I did everything right.

You know who didn’t do everything right?

My Doctors.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…they failed me. They failed Kenley.

I cannot believe that you should be 5. It doesn’t feel real; this is not my life. I wake up every day and miss you. Lately it is starting to feel like the memory of you is not my own. I don’t remember much, and it’s terribly sad. I remember the extremely awful things…I have bits and pieces of things that I wish I could forget forever. They play in my brain on repeat; living in a constant nightmare is just normal it seems like. This year I feel so alone with my grief. Shane is working. Not many people have asked how I am feeling this year. I have a few close friend who have asked, and for those friends I am forever grateful. Oddly enough those friends are also loss moms (with a small exception).

God, this is just word vomit. This post isn’t what I set out to write today. I have nothing good to say. I have nothing positive or loving to say. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel lost and sad and grief stricken. There isn’t a light at the end of my tunnel and that is a really daunting feeling. It’s like running a marathon and literally never stopping. Ever. I get no relief. It is constant. I miss her so much, and there is literally NOT A THING I can do to change that.

I can buy whatever I want in life. I can go wherever I want to go. I can do whatever I want…

But I cannot have the one thing I want.

That feeling is enough to shatter your heart every day, over and over again.

If you want to remember Kenley with us today please light a candle for her, or complete a random act of kindness. Tag us on IG and FB with #kenleyaldenis5

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. I’ll love you here on earth until the day I die, and hopefully hold you in my arms again. Mommy loves you. Sleep well sweet baby.

35.

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Today I am 35 years old.

I had my 30th birthday the year I was pregnant with Kenley. Shane bought me a gorgeous diamond ring that year, and it was from him, Landon and Kenley. We went to dinner, had an amazing evening together as a family and I remember feeling so much love that evening.

Two and a half months later, our world shattered around us and we were forever changed.

This year has been insane to say the least. I didn’t have the time or mental capacity to create Kenley’s Care Packages again, so I contacted the Hospital. They said they needed a new digital camera and photo printer.

Bingo.

Nikon CoolPix 950 runs about $700ish, and the Canon SELPHY photo printer runs about $130ish. We’ve created a go fund me for donations to purchase these items in honor of Kenley this year.

We were blindsided when Kenley died. Zero warning. We were in shock, and grieving the loss of our perfectly healthy baby girl. I told everyone I didn’t want them taking pictures of her. I couldn’t stand the thought. Thankfully Shane, being the amazing human he is, took some. I also had a few snapped on my phone that I must have taken at some point, but I don’t remember doing so.

But, it wasn’t until the next day that NILMDTS (now i lay me down to sleep) came in to take photos of us and her for free. We were given the edited photos a couple of days later. They didn’t look like the perfect girl I gave birth to who had only died less than 3 hours before I got to the hospital. They were all black and white. The photographer didn’t even save the original color images to give me the option to see them. So, I have about 20 black and white photos of us all together.

That’s all.

Forever.

Imagine not being able to take any more photos of your child. Or not being able to look back on color photos of your child. It’s just…it breaks my heart. So, we are hoping, by providing the Labor and Delivery unit at Mt.Carmel East with a high quality camera and printer, they can offer to take photos of the family and have them printed before they leave the hospital without their baby.

Today for my 35th birthday, I’m asking for your donations to Kenley’s Care packages once again.

Kenley’s 5th Birthday Fundraiser!

Fourth

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Five years ago I was given my first gift for you: a red, white and blue carters dress and romper set.

Five years ago I enjoyed fireworks so close they shook my body. I smiled ear to ear. I loved them.

Five years ago I was the happiest I have ever been.

I’ve yet to watch fireworks again.

I miss you so much, baby girl. How are you so far in my past, yet a part of my everyday even though you’re gone. Life is so unfair. Even after all this time, it’s always you. Always. Mommy loves you.

Life.

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A lot of things have happened in our life since I’ve really updated. God, I don’t even know what the last thing was that I updated about.

-We sold our house.

-We lived with Shane’s Parents for nearly a year.

-We built an amazing home.

-Shane’s been working mandatory 6 day work weeks for 4 years and it’s A LOT for a family to have to deal with.

-We had to buy a new trampoline and swing set (brand new gift from my dad blew down in a storm!)

-We finally have grass. Thank god.

-Because of COVID-19 Shane has been working 5 days, then off for 10 days. It has been the most refreshing thing to have him home for more than 5 minutes at a time.

-Alden is 3. Potty trained, and in a big girl bed.

-Rowan is 2, and pretty much wants to be potty trained and in a big girl bed like her sister. They’re BFFs (cue heart break).

-Landon is 9. He has his first set of braces and his teeth look amazing. He’s been homeschooling since March. He won’t be playing baseball this year because of the virus and that makes me super sad.

-I surprised Shane with a Vacation to Cozumel Mexico for our 10 year wedding anniversary in May, and now we have to cancel and I’m really really upset about it. I know…there are worse things but you know what? This sucks and I am allowed to feel that way. We haven’t gone away to the beach since our honeymoon and we were both really looking forward to this trip. Maybe next year.

So pretty much that’s whats been going on here! Life is chaos, all the time literally. I’m ready for some spring time weather. I hope you’re all staying safe!

 

five years ago today

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Five years ago today I found out that our third IUI worked and I was pregnant with my second child. FINALLY. After nearly 3 years of fertility treatments, and drug after drug after drug I was going to hopefully get to keep this baby.

Five years ago.

1/2 the time that I have been married to the love of my life.

How is it possible that something as tragic as losing a CHILD has made me love my husband more than before? I don’t know and I don’t understand but that seems to be par for the course these days; not understanding is a running theme for my life.

I don’t think that anyone will ever understand why certain things happen to certain people and not others. I don’t WANT someone to lose their baby, ever. But, it just seems like every single person that I know who has lost a baby, is the best person ever. It’s unfair. I have internet loss friends, who I now consider to be my best friends, that have stable jobs, and homes, make enough money to provide anything a child could need or want, and hearts big enough to give a baby all the love in the entire world…yet their babies died.

I haven’t written in a long time.

I’m busy.

It’s an excuse; I don’t want to open that part of my heart up most days, honestly. I’m sad. I have bad days. I have A LOT of bad days. I have moments where I want to give up, days even. Most of the time I don’t even get dressed or do my makeup for the day. I am just existing. Even before lock down. I know that part of it is the fact that I stay home with the kids, and that’s fine, but I have zero desire to do much of anything. Ever.

I don’t want to wake up.

I don’t want to clean, or do chores.

I don’t want to play with the kids.

I want to sit and zone out.

Shane has made jokes about me standing at the kitchen island because that’s all that I do anymore. He asked me to do something with him the other day and I said I didn’t want to because I didn’t like that specific thing, and he joked “well if we did what you wanted, we would just stand at the island for a few hours.”

And he’s right.

I stand here all day…mind zoned out, literally thinking about nothing and feeling like I’m in a fog ALL day.

I am on medication, but I’m not sure that it’s working. The doctor gave me another medication to take on top of my current one, but it makes me so tired. Being more tired than I feel currently means that I am unable to function.

Kenley’s death has changed so much of me. Like literally all of me. I’m a different person for many reasons now. In this unfortunate after life that I’m forced to live forever with out her, I am a shell. I am foggy, and grief ridden and sad 80-90% of the time. I hate it so much because I loved our life for so long, and now…I love it, but I feel like an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong (because I know a lot of you probably read this and think I want to die–I don’t) I love my life with Shane and the kids SO much. We have so many things that I am so thankful for, and that bring me so much joy, but I constantly feel a rain cloud over my head. I don’t know how to explain it. Imagine living every single day, from start to finish, when it’s raining, and gloomy outside. No sunshine except like a few days in every month. Rain is beautiful and relaxing, but sometimes you need a fucking break from it and you need to feel the sunshine on your skin to make you feel alive again.

Grief is like living in a rainstorm. You can’t fucking change it…It’s gonna rain. That’s just the weather, and you gotta deal until it stops…

I just miss her. I miss the things I didn’t get to do with her. I miss what my life would have been with her. I miss who I would have been had she survived.

I’ve said it 10,000 times before and I’ll say it again…It’s so god damn unfair.

 

 

4.

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Today is your fourth birthday. I can still remember the way your skin felt under my fingers–like cool velvet. I would give anything to feel that again.

4 years ago on this day I woke up and had no clue my life would be forever changed. But, maybe I did? I naively thought that all was well, and that we would get to keep you. But, this day four years ago I found out the truth.

Nothing is guaranteed. Life is fragile.

I found out what it feels to die; to have your entire soul ripped from your chest and tossed away never to be repaired.

I found out what it felt like to lose everything you have ever known to be true about yourself, your husband, your life.

When you were born I found out what it feels like to give birth to death. I held you, the exquisite, perfect human we had created after years of infertility, as you were lifeless. You never knew life outside of me, and you never knew pain or hate or heartbreak.

When you were born still, my world shattered around me. I changed. We changed. He changed. Your brother changed. Your grandparents and great grand parents and aunts and uncles changed. You changed us; you brought us closer, even though you left us.

My sweet Kenley, I, still and always, will never know why I didn’t get to keep you. I will never know why you had to be taken from us 4 days after Christmas and 4 days before I was scheduled for a c-section. FOUR DAYS. I hold on to so much hate and anger toward my doctors for this. I asked, begged, pleaded to be taken at 38 weeks and no one listened. 38 weeks was Christmas. No one wanted to be bothered.

I bet they wish they had listened to a mother’s intuition now.

It’s like I knew in the depths of my soul that I wouldn’t be able to keep you.

I feel like such a failure; I’m an outcast and an example. I couldn’t keep you alive, in the safest place possible. What kind of Mother am I?

It has taken me years but, I know that your death was not my fault. I know that what happened was out of my control, but it still hurts.

I look at your brother and it hurts to think about the pain he has endured. The loss that he has suffered as well. How little he was when I had you…it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I look at Alden and I don’t see any of you, but I know that she would not be here in the slightest if you were and I swear to god that’s one of the hardest feelings to wrap my head around.

I look at Rowan and I see you. I see your hair and eyes. I see your nose and mouth. I see you. I watch her grow and wonder if she looks like you. I see you in her in many many ways, and it’s heartbreaking and lovely all at the same time.

I admit that time has softened some things for me, yet some things take me right back to that day. I struggle with anxiety on the daily and I am often taken by surprise at the things that trigger me now a days.

You should be here.

We should be together. I should be holding your hand while we walk through the store. I should know how you smell, and know the color of your eyes, and the freckles on your face.

But I don’t.

And I never will.

And that’s the hardest most painful realization in the whole universe.

No matter how bad I want you back, I just cannot have you. Nothing will ever make that right.

Happy 4th birthday in the stars my beautiful first born daughter.

You are so loved every second of every day. Mommy cannot wait to hold you again some day. I love you forever.

neglect.

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I’ve been neglecting this space. I couldn’t figure out why, but when I really thought about it, it boiled down to me not having the desire to reach into my grief anymore. I’ve been neglecting my grief, too. After such a long time it just feels so hard to reach into my past that intensely. It makes me sad. It makes me angry, and it makes me feel cheated.

I’ve been shoving my grief down, not because I want to, but strictly because I have no other choice. I have to live with it, and I have to function for my living children. Christmas is coming up…Halloween has past and Thanksgiving will be here shortly. This year things feel softer? I don’t know how to explain it other than that. The sharpness isn’t there for some things, and for others they seem to be less sharp and triggering. There are tons of triggers still…for example I was at the grocery store and of course there is christmas music playing. It just seemed to be so loud, and I felt physically ill.  Christmas was everywhere; cookie boxes, banners, advertisements. I hate it.

Please tell me why you have wrapping paper in the food section?! NOT. NEEDED.

Now, I understand that for 97% of the world Christmas wrapping paper in the food section wouldn’t hurt, but it made me dizzy. It’s dumb. I don’t WANT to be triggered by these things. I used to love Christmas. I mean like OBSESSED. I will never understand why Kenley had to die, and why it had to be 4 days after Christmas.

This post is really just a stream of consciousness… I’m sad. I’m always sad. I hate that I can’t feel 100% happy for my kids. Like, happiness is constantly shadowed and it’s sad.

I hope that I can do a good enough job of faking it for them that they won’t ever know how sad I truly am.

What a pathetic sentence.

Welcome to loss mom life, amiright?

Kenley’s Care Packages

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Hi, I’m here. I haven’t had the desire to write anything because it’s all the same.. I feel like all of my posts start that way anymore. We are in our new home now, which comes with a lot of emotions and stress. We are pretty much unpacked and things are flowing back into normalcy.

This year for Kenley’s Care Packages we are choosing to do something different because we donated the boxes late last year (June of this year actually…). We will do the boxes next year, but this year we are donating to the PreK where Kenley should have been attending this fall.

With the help of the PreK, I’ve created a  wish list on amazon of the most used/most played with items. The PreK is the one that Landon attended during Kenley’s entire pregnancy. The employees were there with us through her entire pregnancy and her birth/death. The grieved with us, and they were amazing in helping Landon work back into PreK. At his graduation the following June, we all cried together. Kenley should have been there.

I thought it would be very special to donate there this year.  Please consider helping our cause this year!

Click here to shop the Wish List! 

 

it’s been a long time.

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I haven’t written in far too long. I’m always busy and I hate that I can’t sit down and have a one on one with my laptop these days. There has been so much happening in my life that I want to pour out here, but whenever I come here to do so, I feel defeated. Overwhelmed. Tired. Sad.

I remember a time when I wrote every. single. day. It was therapy for me, and it made me feel better. Then, slowly over time it became less and less. Until it became a few times a month, and now it’s been a month and a half since I last posted.

I’m tried. All the time. Sure, you’re thinking I’m tired because of the girls, and life etc etc, but I’m not talking about that kind of tired. Lately I’ve realized that I’m tried because of Kenley’s death. I’m sad because of it. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed, and anxious and feel crazy because of it. It literally shapes every single day of my life even when I feel like I’m having  a good day. When I think I’m having a good day, I still don’t.

Kenley has been gone for nearly 3 years and 7 months.

The past 3 years and 7 months of my life as this new person has been full of emotions I never expected to feel again, which makes me so happy…yet these moments are shadowed in sadness? Normal people get to just feel the happiness. Why can’t I just feel that again? Why me? Why our family? Why my sweet perfect girl? This life shouldn’t be mine because she was perfect, and we are good people.

Sure, I’ve fucked up in my life before. And honestly? I wonder if Kenley dying was my karma. I blame myself every day for not realizing she stopped moving. I will always blame myself for her death, because I am her Mother and I let her down. I cannot change that.

I miss her. I see her in every day things that she will never be able to do. I see her in the faces of my beautiful girls. I see her in the way Landon looks at them. It’s so sad. IT’S SO SAD. We have a baby who is dead. How fucking sad can that sound to other people???

I just want her back. Today is hard for some reason. I’ve been struggling all evening and feel that I could be having a very mild anxiety attack. Nothing triggered me, that I know of. I am just so tired of it all. It’s always so heavy…always.

Forever.